MYBIKE: Many couples plan a bike trip together in the summer. Not everything always runs smoothly. What should you consider in the preparation phase to avoid conflicts?
Eric Hegmann: Before travelling, every couple should take enough time to discuss their interests and needs: How many kilometres do we want to cycle per day, and what gradient is okay? How many breaks do we want to take along the way - and how important is good food or luxurious accommodation to us? The more you discuss at home, the fewer arguments there will be on the road. After a few days, you should reflect on whether things are still going according to plan for both partners. Sticking to the pre-agreed plan can be frustrating, at least for one partner.
In many relationships, different types come together: one partner likes to plan in detail, the other prefers to be surprised. How do you find each other?
These differences should not be seen as a problem, but as a valuable addition. I like to compare this to a toolbox. Partners who tick in the same way bring the same tools to the relationship. In some situations, however, different approaches are required: sometimes you need to be flexible, sometimes detailed planning pays off. Those who tick differently have a much larger selection of tools to solve problems. This image is particularly apt on a bike tour together: it doesn't make sense to take all the tools with you twice because you want to save weight.
Self-planned cycle tours involve many tasks: Keeping your bearings, maintaining the bikes, catering. What should you do if one person in the relationship feels that the planning is always down to them?
My advice is to divide the responsibilities fairly before the start of the trip - preferably according to interests. One person takes care of the route planning, while the other looks after the catering and accommodation. The ratio should be balanced and feel fair for both. There are bound to be tasks that neither of you are happy to take on. You have to negotiate with each other. This ability to negotiate is not only important for the cycle tour, but also for a harmonious relationship in general.
With different performance levels, it is often said that the weakest link sets the pace. In your opinion, is this a good compromise?
A partnership should not only consist of compromises. Let's say one partner likes holidaying by the sea and the other prefers the mountains. Then it's not a good idea to always go on a city trip as a compromise. It's better if one partner gives in sometimes and the other sometimes - and the third time you try something new together. When it comes to fitness, it's about physical limits that you can't easily cross. Nevertheless, both partners should try to understand each other. Perhaps you can build in a sportier day with more kilometres in between to satisfy the physically fitter partner - or they can go for an extra run on their own in the evening. If you always feel like you're missing out, you'll be frustrated.
Bad weather, a series of bike breakdowns, disorientation: how do you deal with a bad mood when you're out and about?
Dealing with negative emotions is part of being an adult and being in a relationship. Repressing a bad mood is like putting the lid on a pot of boiling water - the pressure increases. So it's okay to say to your partner: "My goodness, the rain is annoying!" All emotions are allowed, but not all behaviours: Blaming your partner for the situation, even though it's not their fault, is not a good idea. If this happens, it's okay to point it out to each other: "I understand that you're angry, I feel the same way. But let's not take it out on each other."
And if there's a real row on a cycling holiday and the sparks fly, what helps to de-escalate the situation?
When we argue, our brain only recognises three basic instincts: Attack, flight and shock. When we are highly agitated, we argue with a loved one as if they were our bitter enemy. The best thing to do is to become aware of this reflex. Then, for example, you can agree to take a break, distance yourself and let your emotions cool down. Another option is the following sentence: "Please let's argue so that I realise that we still love each other." This sentence is aimed directly at the empathy centre of the brain. Suddenly you realise that you are not facing the enemy, but the loved one next to whom you would like to fall asleep in the tent or hotel again tonight. This can have a de-escalating effect.
What can a couple take with them from a cycle tour into everyday life?
Travelling together creates shared values. In my therapy sessions, many couples cite holidays together as a strong bond that unites them and that they draw on for a long time. There is also a certain sense of community when practising sport together: you feel connected as a team, perhaps even superior to other couples. Even if this sense of community is less pronounced in cycling than in tennis doubles, for example, a project like a big bike tour can help to strengthen the relationship. After all, you solve problems together, share memories and thus strengthen your relationship with each other. is not only important for the cycle tour, but also for a harmonious relationship in general.
With different performance levels, it is often said that the weakest link sets the pace. In your opinion, is this a good compromise?
A partnership should not only consist of compromises. Let's say one partner likes holidaying by the sea and the other prefers the mountains. Then it's not a good idea to always go on a city trip as a compromise. It's better if one partner gives in sometimes and the other sometimes - and the third time you try something new together. When it comes to fitness, it's about physical limits that you can't easily cross. Nevertheless, both partners should try to understand each other. Perhaps you can build in a sportier day with more kilometres in between to satisfy the physically fitter partner - or they can go for an extra run on their own in the evening. If you always have the feeling that you are missing out, you will be frustrated.
Bad weather, a series of bike breakdowns, disorientation: how do you deal with a bad mood when you're out and about?
Dealing with negative emotions is part of being an adult and being in a relationship. Repressing a bad mood is like putting the lid on a pot of boiling water - the pressure increases. So it's okay to say to your partner: "My goodness, the rain is annoying!" All emotions are allowed, but not all behaviours: Blaming your partner for the situation, even though it's not their fault, is not a good idea. If this happens, it's okay to point it out to each other: "I understand that you're angry, I feel the same way. But let's not take it out on each other."
And if there's a real row on a cycling holiday and the sparks fly, what helps to de-escalate the situation?
When we argue, our brain only recognises three basic instincts: Attack, flight and shock. When we are highly agitated, we argue with a loved one as if they were our bitter enemy. The best thing to do is to become aware of this reflex. Then, for example, you can agree to take a break, distance yourself and let your emotions cool down. Another option is the following sentence: "Please let's argue so that I realise that we still love each other." This sentence is aimed directly at the empathy centre of the brain. Suddenly you realise that you are not facing the enemy, but the loved one next to whom you would like to fall asleep in the tent or hotel again tonight. This can have a de-escalating effect. What can a couple take with them from a cycle tour into everyday life? Travelling together creates shared values. In my therapy sessions, many couples cite holidays together as a strong bond that unites them and that they draw on for a long time. There is also a certain sense of community when practising sport together: you feel connected as a team, perhaps even superior to other couples. Even if this sense of community is less pronounced in cycling than in tennis doubles, for example, a project like a big bike tour can help to strengthen the relationship. After all, you solve problems together, share memories and strengthen your relationship.
Matthias Erdmann (39) from Berlin and Andrea Passerini (33) from Rosario/Argentina: "Cycling was his world"
Six years ago, Matthias Erdmann was cycling across Latin America when he met Andrea in a hostel in the north of Argentina. The German and the Argentinian hit it off straight away and the two soon became a couple. "I hadn't had much to do with travelling by bike before," Andrea remembers, "that was his world." In 2017, they planned their first cycle tour together, travelling through the north of Argentina for four weeks. "This trip was very harmonious and peaceful," recalls Matthias. "We had no expectations and saw the trip more as a test." In contrast, there was more conflict on the second big trip. The two wanted to cycle through Europe for six months, starting in Lisbon and cycling as far as Scandinavia. But the ease of the first trip was no longer there. It was unusually cold in Portugal for the end of January, it rained almost every day - and the pressure was much greater: "I had given up my flat and my job in Argentina," says Andrea. "Everything was different and new for me in Europe." Matthias also had to get used to the new situation: "My experience almost became a burden. When in doubt, I set the pace and therefore took on more of an alpha role. Andrea's inexperience was less of a driving force to try out new things and more of a source of self-doubt." The two had to realise that they lacked the emotional tools to free themselves from the entrenched situation. To escape the bad mood and the bad weather, they considered buying a ticket to Thailand. "Even though we didn't end up putting the plan into action, this escape scenario helped us," recalls Matthias. "Suddenly, we were better able to accept the challenges and our roles, and to think back to the original idea." Looking back, the two would not dare to embark on such a big adventure again. "But we are still learning lessons from the trip for our relationship today."
Karina Forsthuber (49) and Peter Tomasini (55) from Vorarlberg: "We complement each other perfectly"
Having been a couple for 23 years, a long-awaited cycling trip becomes a test of endurance for Karina and Peter. At the end of 2019, they want to take a three-year break on their bikes. To do so, they took time off from their jobs, sublet their flat in Vorarlberg and invested countless hours in planning. But in the end, everything turned out differently: in spring 2020, when the two had already been travelling in New Zealand for a few months, the coronavirus broke out worldwide. Their trip together turned into an emotional rollercoaster ride. "The main thing that put a strain on our relationship was the different ways we dealt with the crisis," says Karina. "I'm an incorrigible optimist, Peter is an overconfident thinker. For Peter, it was immediately clear that we would have to cancel the trip. I, on the other hand, didn't want to give up on our dream and carry on travelling." After sleepless nights and countless discussions, the two of them set off on their return flight. Karina wrote a book about their shared experiences in New Zealand: "Kiwis and Corona". The contrast between optimism and safety thinking also accompanies them on other cycle tours. Most of the time, however, the two see their different characters as an asset and a valuable complement: if the carefree Karina wants to cycle to the next town on a day trip, Peter warns her with a glance at his watch before nightfall. Karina, on the other hand, gives Peter lightness and spontaneity when he unnecessarily worries too much. It's only when it comes to taking breaks that there are regular conflicts. While Karina always wants to go further and higher, Peter would like to stop and enjoy himself more often. "Last summer, we cycled through Austria twice. Once we were on the road for 33 days in a row - without a break. I managed it in terms of fitness, but it wasn't nice at the end," says Peter and laughs. The two resolve disagreements by talking to each other: "We can talk about anything. There should be no taboo subjects in relationships!"
Julia (40) and Walter Mondre (44) from Graz/Austria: "We have grown together"
The e-bike moved in with Julia ten years ago - a gift from her boyfriend Walter. "We started with short day trips, then the routes got longer and longer. At first we stayed in a hotel, later we packed a tent," Julia remembers. At some point, Julia switched from her e-bike to a normal trekking bike, just like Walter. Since then, the couple have spent almost all their holidays on their bikes - even their honeymoon. They document their adventures on their cycling blog "Genussradler. at". There they describe themselves as "zwa gmiatliche Genussradler auf Tour". Good food, beautiful routes, plenty of breaks - that's what they prioritise. Their tip for other couples: grow together on the challenges. Start with short distances in familiar surroundings and then work your way up to bigger challenges together. The longest cycle tour took Julia and Werner from Graz to the "end of the world", to Finisterre in Spain. The two spent two months and travelled 2,340 kilometres. Julia and Walter deal with potential conflict situations with understanding for each other - and a good dose of humour. The distribution of tasks is clearly organised: Julia looks for special sights and the best campsites along the route in advance, while Walter takes care of bike maintenance and navigation along the way. Maintenance is carried out on the mountain, and sufficient breaks and buffers are planned for each stage. The rule everywhere is: don't stress. If the day's goal is not reached, the plan is changed spontaneously. It is important to keep your own wishes in mind as well as the needs of your partner, says Werner. "Because if you are chronically hypoglycaemic, you automatically become grumpy. Then it's better to sit, eat and enjoy the view."
Thomas (62) and Ulrike Bender (60) from Regensburg: "The quality of the bikes must be balanced"
"When we met thirty years ago, I gave Ulrike three bikes as a present: a city bike, a racing bike and a mountain bike," recalls Thomas, who was already a passionate cyclist at the time. Ulrike quickly felt comfortable on her bike. "I was ambitious - and Thomas was very considerate and a patient explainer." How do you sit correctly on a racing bike? How do you manage your strength well? She learnt all this from Thomas. Short day trips soon turned into longer tours. Italy, Belgium, France - the two Regensburgers are often travelling for several weeks at a time. They are a well-rehearsed team: "We even change gear and drink in sync," they say with a laugh. Ulrike and Thomas also share the same ideas about what makes a good cycle tour: staying in nice hotels and sometimes visiting a Michelin-starred restaurant in cycling gear. What do they find negative about other couples? "When the wife always has to chase ten or fifteen metres behind her husband instead of riding relaxed in the slipstream," says Thomas. And Ulrike: "When the quality of the bikes is not balanced. The husband often rides a sleek racing bike, while the wife rides a rickety old bike. No wonder she can't keep up." Very rarely, however, there are also small conflicts between Thomas and Ulrike: "Sometimes I ride eighty kilometres in the wind and Ulrike hangs in my slipstream," says Thomas and laughs. "When she then breaks away on the first mountain and leaves me behind, it really hurts!"
