The comeback of a professional biker: Interview with slopestyler Peter Henke

FREERIDE: Peter, you had almost everything a young athlete could wish for. You gave up in 2017. Were there any moments when you regretted it?

Peter Henke: Of course there were. But it was the only option. That's how I felt at the time and that's why it was the right thing to do. With the knowledge I have today, I would have approached it differently.

You could have avoided the pressure of the competition by producing photos and travel stories.

True, but that wasn't an option for me. You have to understand: Slopestyle biking is a competitive sport. I've been all about competitions since I was eleven years old. And about getting better. I was never satisfied and had high expectations. That may not always have been healthy, but I think you need that attitude to get to the top. Just photos and videos? That would have been like giving up for me. My former self wouldn't have accepted that.

Isn't throwing in the towel the crassest form of giving up?

Possibly. But I was miserable. I wouldn't even have worked as a photo and video rider in that condition. I didn't feel like cycling any more.

You are undergoing psychotherapeutic treatment. Do you now know what the problem was?

I spent a total of eleven weeks in a day clinic. I learnt a lot about myself during the therapy. The many years of competition left their mark. This constant pressure. You want to get to the top, and when you're at the top, you're afraid of being pushed down again. So you learn sick tricks.

"If you don't train one day, you think to yourself: Shit, the others are probably working on a new combination and I can't get my arse up. It's a shitty feeling!"

Other competitive athletes feel the same way. Why couldn't you deal with it?

I have no idea. But very few people speak as openly as I do. I know many bikers who struggle with similar problems.

What did the therapists advise you to do?

They have sensitised me. I have learnt that it is normal for competitive athletes to have this critical voice inside them. This voice says: You're not good enough! This voice constantly criticises and puts pressure on you to get off your arse. For me, this voice became louder and louder and more and more insistent. Even when I had achieved my goals, it would shout: more!

"The good feeling after winning a competition only lasted a short time. The waves of expectation for the next competition were already rolling in. That got me down."

What did the doctors diagnose?

The first diagnosis was depression and anxiety disorders. The acute clinic was all about making me feel better. Also with the help of tablets. Later therapies were intended to find the cause. This is because anxiety disorders are usually triggered by trauma. If you don't confront these traumas, you'll never be at peace.

Do you want to tell us more about these traumas?

One event stands out: during a party holiday in Bulgaria in 2009, I had cardiac arrhythmia after two nights of partying. I had an ECG with a doctor and he told me that I was lucky to have survived. On the same holiday, I saw someone being beaten to death in front of me. Two Bulgarians got out of a car and beat the guy until he was dead.

And from then on, fear was your constant companion?

Yes, from then on there were these moments when I got scared without knowing what exactly. You have to imagine anxiety attacks like this: You think your heart is going to fly out, you're sweating and you have the feeling that something bad is about to happen. It's a terrible feeling of anxiety.

What can you do about it?

The therapists say you have to let it happen, you shouldn't fight it. Yes, it's best to lie down and let yourself go.

"You have to face your fear with the motto: Fuck you panic attack, show me what you've got!"

Did you also have moments like this as a competition slopestyler?

I had similar feelings. I stood on the start tower and visualised how I was about to fall. At the time, I thought it was nervousness. Now I realise it was a mild form of panic attack.

Are you cured now?

I had my last panic attack more than a year ago. Depression doesn't disappear overnight. It's a process that you have to work on constantly. But I'm currently doing very well.

When you said goodbye, you said you had lost the fun of biking. Really?

That's right. That's how it was. But of course it was only half the truth. Because I didn't want to be asked any awkward questions that I didn't have an answer to.

"I would never have suspected that I was suffering from a mental illness. I just knew that I wasn't functioning."

Have your family and friends understood your decision?

No. Nobody could believe that I just threw my dream away like that. But they could probably do the most with the explanation that I had lost my desire.

You cancelled all sponsorship contracts from one day to the next. You could have just let it expire and taken the money.

That would have worked. Some contracts ran for another three years. But that's not me. I also wanted to get rid of the pressure. I thought that was the cause of my problem.

Did the plan work out?

Things went well for a few months. I blocked everything out until there was a big bang.

What did the bang look like?

I took refuge in parties and DJing. I tried to compensate, took drugs and drank a lot of alcohol. I kept that up for four or five years. At some point, I couldn't do it anymore. I had lost all my energy. I was empty.

Why drugs?

Drugs were the substitute for the feelings of happiness that I got from slopestyle back then, but no longer had. Apparently, many professional athletes feel that way after their career ends. Your head has got used to a certain amount of adrenaline and dopamine and wants to keep being fed.

Drugs like ecstasy give you this illusion: you think you're the hottest. But you're the last sausage.

The stark contrast between the life of a rock star and a nobody?

That's right! After my resignation, nobody came forward. I was history. I was alone. I can't blame anyone for that, because I had misled many people with my post on social media. They thought I was happy with my decision and was enjoying my life.

Did you miss the fame?

Yes, not the acclaim, but definitely the recognition. The therapists said that was a big issue in competitive sport. You have to know that I was always someone who couldn't judge whether I did something well or not. I needed feedback from outside. Only then was I able to categorise my performance. I wasn't in a position to say myself: I drove well. Someone else had to do that for me. Only then did I believe it. I even felt that way in therapy. I started painting there. I wasn't able to judge for myself whether the painting had turned out well. I feel the same way about decisions, by the way. I can't get rid of the shit.

How did your environment react back then?

Hardly anyone knew about my drug problem except my closest friends. I DJ'd or produced music and got validation that way. Making music was my only healthy passion. If that didn't help, I popped an ecstasy tablet and the feeling was back. At some point, I couldn't take any more. So I stopped taking drugs under my own steam.

Did that help?

Unfortunately, no. My thoughts became darker and darker. I now knew that it wasn't the drugs or the biking. I googled the nearest psychiatric clinic, got in the car and drove there. I said at reception: I can't do this anymore. That was about a year ago.

Did you have suicidal thoughts?

Nothing concrete. But I didn't feel like living anymore. Or rather: I didn't care.

When did these dark thoughts first emerge?

I had my first depressive phases at the age of 15. Of course, I didn't label them as such back then.

I thought I was just sad and shit.

How do you differentiate between depression and sadness?

Therapists say that depressed people get into stressful situations more quickly. There are people with trauma and those without. Both can suffer from depression. However, people with a heavier bag of worries are more likely to suffer from it. Depressed people often have an underlying stress, are not at peace with themselves, don't like themselves very much and are never good enough for themselves. They also tend to put themselves at the back of the queue, want to please others and thus wear themselves out. When I heard the definition for the first time, I immediately saw parallels to myself. That's exactly how I felt. I was constantly doing things that others expected of me. I just couldn't say no.

Some claim that depression is a problem of affluence.

I think it can happen to anyone. We had a lot of people at the clinic who couldn't cope with the coronavirus situation or reached their limits at work. But it can also be congenital. You can recognise this in a brain scan, by the way, because certain areas of the brain work differently.

Drugs and parties cost a lot of money. Is there any money left over from your professional career?

No, it's all gone. I moved into a block of flats. First with my girlfriend. When she left, a mate moved in. We had one party after another. I didn't care about anything. I helped pay for my friends. I sold all but two bikes. At some point I ran out of money, lived in a caravan at my training spot and then back at home with my parents.

Did you go biking during that time?

Hardly. My mate Max Meyer often motivated me. But I thought to myself, I won't get back to where I was anyway. So why should I even start again? According to the motto: either completely or not at all.

What did your family and friends advise you to do at the time?

Hardly anyone knew what was bothering me. Even when I lived with my parents, I was able to hide all of this from them.

I got really good at not letting on. I sat at the kitchen table, ate dinner with my parents and then popped an ecstasy tablet and went out to party.

Even friends and slopestyle colleagues had no idea?

I wouldn't have let anyone tell me anything anyway. I still had contact with Thomas Genon and Anton Thelander from time to time. But cycling was dead for me. I didn't want anything more to do with the scene. I was out.

Sounds like a dead end.

No, there was a key moment in the clinic. My therapist asked me when I had last been happy without drugs. In addition to moments with my family, I immediately remembered the time when I was 16 years old. Moments on the bike with Timo Pritzel, Amir Kabbani, Niels-Peter Jensen, Hendrik Tafel, Marius Hoppensack and Chris Laue. My therapist advised me to get in touch with these people.

So I set up a WhatsApp group and wrote to them, telling them what I was struggling with. The reactions were impressive. Even now, I still get goosebumps when I think about it.

You have decided to make a comeback. How can one imagine that? Did you simply call your old sponsors?

I called my former manager Tarek Rasouli. It took a lot of effort because I wasn't sure how he would react. I told him that I wanted to go cycling again. He was surprised, but pleased. I also told him about my story, which he hadn't heard about. Three weeks later, I was sitting in his office in Munich.

Are there any concrete plans?

I'm keen to go cycling again. No competitions, but I can well imagine photo and video productions. I think promoting young talent is cool. My old sponsor Canyon likes the idea and has taken me on again. I'm very grateful for that.

You were recently at the Dirt Masters Festival in Winterberg. How did that feel?

Good. I took part in the whip-off contest and jumped the dirts. It was a radical change of perspective. I was free from pressure, competitive behaviour and all that.

"The last time I stood on the start hill wearing a Red Bull helmet, now the kids didn't even know who I was."

You talk openly about your illness and expose yourself. Was that a conscious step?

Yes, because I want to raise awareness. I know a lot of other riders who struggle with similar issues. Both active and former slopestyle pros. The sport is getting more and more extreme and complex. Your head doesn't always keep up. I hope that my story will spare others something similar.

Is there any general advice you can give to professional bikers?

Yes, not just to professional bikers. To everyone! If you realise you're feeling bad: go to the doctor and get therapy. Get help. There's nothing wrong with it at all. You'll see 30 other people in the clinic who feel the same way, and they're also completely normal. Many people have the wrong idea. I advise young drivers to listen more to their gut feeling. My tip: don't do everything to get to the top quickly. If you're good enough, you'll get to the top.

Voices on Peter Henke

Timo Pritzel, slopestyle pioneer:

"I like Peter. As a person and as an athlete. I see a lot of parallels. Competition slope-style is a tough act to follow. Not everyone can handle the pressure. He says what many people think. The industry often doesn't understand. As a competition rider, you are expected to perform. I would have liked the industry to be more supportive of riders with a lot of competition pressure. Now Peter is coming back, and I'm already looking forward to joint projects with him."

Andi Wittmann, ex-slopestyler:

"I didn't know about Peter's problems, but I'm not really surprised. The contrast is huge when you stop being a professional. I liked hanging out with Peter at events. Peter is not a redneck, but a sensitive, nice guy with depth."

Chris Laue, photographer:

"I've known Peter for quite a while, but I didn't realise any of this. In my perception, Peter was trying things out, starting an apprenticeship as a carpenter and becoming a sound engineer. When he told me his story, a lot of things became clear to me and somehow everything suddenly made sense."

Nico Scholze, slopestyler:

"I haven't had any contact with Peter for five years. I think it's good that he's opening up like this. That takes a lot of courage. I know Peter's sunny side: he's a funny bird with wit and a lot of warmth."

Thomas Genon, professional slopestyler:

"I knew there was something going on with Peter, but I never realised exactly what. I would like to know more."